![]() ![]() “What about the Kama Sutra, the ancient Hindu text on sexuality that I bought a ripoff of on sale at a Spencer’s Gifts when I was 16?” Well, the majority of the Kama Sutra doesn’t even cover sex positions and speaks more generally on issues of love and sexuality. ![]() “Hold up,” you may insist, attempting to shake the image of the Pile Driver from your brain. (One non-professional couple is rumoured to have given it a shot they both died immediately.) One exception to this theory is the delicately-named Pile Driver, but scientists say that nobody has ever tried this off of a porn set. All of these are just Reverse Cowgirl! (The eighth position on the list is Reverse Cowgirl.) In the seventh, “Stairway to Heaven,” the couple has moved to a staircase. The sixth position, the “Spin Cycle,” is the exact same thing, while seated on a washing machine. The fifth position, the “Hot Seat,” involves a woman on top of her partner in bed, facing away, as he penetrates her. ![]() Take this Men’s Health listicle of 45 sex positions. That’s it! You, my sex-having friend, are getting swindled every time you buy a magazine or click an article that promises anything more than these six. But as 69ing consists entirely of oral sex, it does not count towards the prerequisite of only penetrative positions.Įvery other advertised position is merely a variation of one of these six positions. (Six, precisely, which means that frogs have us beat.) You’re likely already well-versed in them, but let’s refresh regardless: No, when it comes to heterosexual penetrative penis-in-vagina sex, there is only a handful of actual positions that everyone uses regularly. There is no Isaac Newton of fucking who’s suddenly going to emerge from his laboratory with a drawing of two stick figures doing it in a previously undiscovered way that will cause an orgasm that rips a hole in the space-time continuum. The truth is that, despite what the sex-position-industrial complex would have you believe, there is not an endless number of ways to get it on. Today, these guides take the form of articles featuring a veritable encyclopedia of sex positions, with names like the “Butterfly,” the “Wheelbarrow,” and the “Erotic Accordion,” the latter of which blatantly ignores the innately erotic nature of the accordion. This is objectively untrue - bonobos and macaques, for instance, have been observed doing just that - but Homo sapiens is without a doubt the only species to worry endlessly that one is not having the best sex they could possibly be having.įrom the Kama Sutra to Cosmo, thousands of guides have been created to mitigate that fear and ostensibly help the reader become better in bed. If you passed through middle school anytime in the past few generations, you may have heard the rumor that humans and dolphins are the only animals who mate for pleasure. ![]()
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